Being a Mommy & wife is freaking amazing and at times, equally as tough. We found out recently my husband needs a heart surgery asap. He is in the process of donating his own blood for the surgery. The surgery is scheduled for 3 weeks out, when his blood levels are back to normal. He is at risk for an aneurysm, so he has to watch his blood pressure and heart rate prior to surgery. As a result, he cannot workout, or lift anything over 20 lbs, which includes our toddler (who is in midst of potty training) and frequent trips to the “timeout” chair. Good times for Mommy! Here is my experience on how I am coping with my husband’s heart surgery.
My husband, Michael is 37 years young. He was born with a defective aortic valve (Which is ironic since he has the biggest heart of anyone I know). He had an open heart surgery at the age of 1. As a result, he goes to a cardiologist to get checked yearly. The surgeon said that he would need another surgery to replace his valve around the age of 16. He has been able to make it this far without needing a surgery. About 10 years ago, he went to UCLA to get checked and they recommended surgery asap. He went to get a second opinion and we are so glad he did. He found the best cardiologist in Los Angeles, Dr. Judelson. She told him he was fine and continued to monitor him. I’ve gone to his appointments for the past 5 years. This time, I knew there was something amiss.
When she looked at us and told us “It was time”, my heart sank.
I knew his valve needed to be replaced eventually, but all rational thoughts went out the window as she continued to speak. Frankly, it was all a blur. Instantaneously, I buried my emotions deep within and brought out my superhero cape. I knew that it was time to be strong for him. Michael is the strongest man I know. He is my rock and always there for me. It felt great to finally be able to give back and be a support system for him.
Being strong for him & our 2 girls while suppressing my feelings was really, really tough.
I felt like I was Superwoman, with a bag of kryptonite on my shoulder.
I’ve always been the “Silver Lining Gal”. I am known to find the positivity in everything. As a matter of fact, that was my secret weapon to get through my childhood with most of my sanity in tact.
As a kid, I was taught to be tough. Being emotional and crying was a sign of weakness. I was told people would not listen or take me seriously when I was emotional. In my adolescence and through my twenties, I would not let anyone too close to me. I would be the one that would end a relationship first, so I would not get hurt. I would never let myself cry – and when inevitably, I would shed a tear or two, I would beat myself up and “toughen up” to be that strong, powerful women that I thought I should be.
Then life happened. After a breakdown, I realized vulnerability is where you unlock your highest power. When you are able to fully express your feelings, you can release them on your own terms. If you bury them deep within (like I had so many times in the past), those unprocessed emotions will come out in other ways. From road rage, to passive aggressive behavior, to overreacting at seemingly insignificant things, they will ALWAYS find a way out. The thing is, the longer we hold on to negative and painful emotions, they become toxic. It makes us weaker.
With my husband’s surgery, my immediate reaction was to bury all of those feelings and thoughts of the worst case scenario. I focused on positive thoughts and visualization. The problem was that I was not able to get into the right vibrations – which is one of the secret ingredients to manifesting.
The other night, I let myself fall apart. I embraced all of my deepest fears.
I let my mind go to the dark place it needed to go. I was the most vulnerable I have ever been. Once I was able to get deep with my fears and emotions, I was able to go through the fear and see the other side.
It was amazing to process and release the fears, anger and anxiety. Afterwards I felt so much lighter and stronger than before. I filled out my Gratitude Log and felt free. I can now access the highest vibrations and visualize our life 3 months from now, which is one of the secrets to creating the life of your dreams.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have thoughts that will pop up in my head. Instead of ignoring them, I process them and am able to move through it quickly.
And yes, every once in a while I get freaking annoyed when I’m cooking and Michael cannot help Bryanna go to the potty. Or when I am in the middle of something and he can cannot get her in and out of the crib. BUT as soon as the emotion comes up, I have learned to remove it and replace with positive emotions. It’s awesome.
Michael’s surgery is coming up soon. We are practicing meditation, visualization, being present and living in the moment. Being vulnerable with each other has brought us even closer. It reinforces the fact that life is precious. We have come up with positive things that are coming out of this experience. I know, it may sound crazy, but it’s true!
When we understand Life happens for us and not to us, that is when we can start to see the magic all around us.
Sending you love, life & positive vibes!
-Xx
Indrani
